The Boob Tube: All Babe Network (2013)

Ms. Comptom (Mary Carey) is the station head at a struggling network. One of it’s centerpiece shows, Hoax Hunters, ratings have dropped through the basement and she is forced to cut the show’s budget even further. The host Brad, who happens to be the station owners uncle, slouches home and his blond bombshell wife comes up with just the thing. New costumes and gravity defying bazookas will help lift the show’s ratings among other things. After another botched broadcast Brad has one last chance and to remove the opportunity for his boss to sabotage the show again he takes the show on the road and goes squatch hunting.

When his footage is erased he has to improvise and perform it live. Little does he know that as he is frantically trying to save his job that his quick thinking and Stacy’s (Jazy Berlin) golden orbs would lead to the top of the station ladder. The success of the one program lands him the gig of program director and he turns it into the All Babe Network as Compton had feared. In fact it could almost be called the All Blonde Network as Jazy Berlin, Mary Carey and Beverly Lynne are the three whose bountiful bosoms do most of the heavy lifting, or petting, whatever…One of Brad’s strokes of genius is to spice up a car wax infomercial by waxing naked girls instead of cars. While Brad’s star is on the rise Compton does everything in her power (which appears to be fucking men and getting what she wants) to stop him but to no avail.

All Babe Network is a real hoot. It reminds me of another late nite flick I dig, Broadcast Bombshells, but with a more benign menace. Someone’s job is much more inconsequential than a bombing! The story is brain dead but fun and the ladies are all excited to doff their tops and get down to business. The scene order breaks down as follows: Intern Joey (Eric Masterson) nails Ms. Compton, Brad bangs out his girl Stacy, Stacy cleans up in the shower, Joey and Brenda hook up in the truck and woods, Mindy (Christine Nguyen) gets it on as the flick goes meta and the characters on screen comment on her bang, Compton and station owner Mark (Voodoo), Mark and Mindy.

The gals are looking good in this Retromedia boobanza and all bounce around and seem to have a good time doing it. Mary Carey is still a good looking woman and probably would have made a fine governor, I’d have voted for her twice if I could and Christine Nguyen may be the hottest late nite star working. She’s stacked, taut, and toned and is hella fun to watch. I think she may be the new queen of softcore the only one who comes close is Erika Jordan who’s body is phenomenal. All of the technical aspects, sound, photography, acting etc… are standard for this sort of fare and if you are watching All Babe Network then you know what you are in for. Check it out if you like soft bangs and sleaze.

The Boob Tube: Bikini Bistro (1995)

Judy (Amy Lynn Baxter) is a hot young entrepreneur who is trying to make her struggling business work. Unfortunately her land lord is on her to finish paying the mortgage in four days or he’ll seize the property and kick her lovely ass out on the street and tear down the building. She laments to her cousin, Ron (John Altamura), about how hard it is to run a business when acting was easy with “hard work, the right people and a little sex.” He gets a brilliant idea to make the place work.  Judy has a former co star that knows how to sex things up a bit. You see Judy was a pornstar before she started slinging vegetarian dishes and asks her friend, Marilyn Chambers, for some help.  The first in a nightmarishly long parade of montages ensues showing the more exciting bits of vegetable shopping, redecorating and placing ads. The film includes all obligatory classes of montages from the slow undressing/dressing to the grope and grind soft bang.

BIKINI BISTRO is a comedy that actually has a couple of humorous gags in the form of picket signs from the one woman community decency group; the best of which being, “Heavenly bodies are the Devil’s work,” and “Flesh is for cooking so don’t be looking.” Aside from those the jokes fall flat. Thank goodness the cast doesn’t qualify as flat because that’s all this flick has going for it. Waitresses Luanne (Joan Gerardi) and Donna (Isabelle Fortea) are hired more for their charms than their skill and along with Judy they stuff the bikinis in the bistro.

What is supposed to pass as madcap hilarity and scorching encounters ensue as the ladies deal with customers, co-workers, and protesters alike. Luanne can’t get enough of her back in town boyfriend and Donna has her hands full fending off Ron’s advances yet agrees to a bet that she’ll doff an article of clothing for every mistake. Ron isn’t entirely helpful when it comes to preventing mistakes. Most of the girls look good and all of them put in some slow motion soft grind and grope time. Marilyn though…wow she needed to hang it up a lot sooner but for whatever reason director Ernest G. Sauer made several of these late night flicks in which she had a starring role.

The film is atrocious and the only reason I gave it a shot was the lovely Miss Baxter. The acting is bad, the camerawork is horrible and the sets are trash. Do yourself a favor and stay away, BIKINI BISTRO is not that entertaining of a movie.