Samurai Cop (1989)


Holy guacamole is SAMURAI COP one of the cheesiest and most ridiculous action flicks flung at audiences by specially trained poo flinging monkeys who take a break every once and awhile to fling a different kind of turd at folks.  This movie is that kind of turd.  Serious action is what the filmmakers try to deliver but all they succeed in producing is absolute hilarity.  This is one of those flicks that is enjoyable because it is so clueless and inept. 

Matt Hannon ( a set carpenter, I shit you not) stars as Samurai Joe Marshall.  He’s a cop with unconventional methods…he’s a trained samurai.  He’s the best samurai in America and you should see him kick ass samurai style…well not in this flick but maybe the sequel.  He’s a loose sword that gets results…bah doesn’t work as well as I would have liked.  He chews up any trouble that comes his way except for his lines…they kick the shit out of him and will put you in stitches too.  Anyhow, Joe is called in from San Francisco to help deal with a Yakuza kingpin and his chief enforcer Yamashita.  Yamashita is convincingly played by Robert Z’Dar wearing eyeliner and a pony tail.  Z’Dar is a badass he fucks people up and over emotes all over the place.

Joe is one ass kicking (so we’re told) smooth operator (as is shown).  He’s drilling the 80’s hot busty blonde cop who sometimes flies the helicopter and he drops some sweet ass lines on a buxom nurse trying to get her to drop her panties.  It’s hard to type sarcasm so allow me to translate…behold the most awkward sex scene and interaction between a man and a women since the fucked up shower sex scene between Thor and a big boobed redhead in 1987’s ROCK N’ ROLL NIGHTMARE.  If you do not recall the scene or worse yet, haven’t heard of it, run out and find a copy of it stat!  As a matter of fact, save your time and buy SAMURAI COP while you are out because it begs for rewatches.  Drunken rewatching, rewatching with friends, rewatching for deeper meaning etc…etc…

Back to the plot, or what passes as such.  Joe and his partner dispose of all niceties and go after the Yakuza on their own terms.  His actions cause fellow officers to be killed and tortured and his main squeeze even gets hot oil poured on her woman bits but he carries on unfazed.  Hannon stone-faces his way through the dialogue with his flowing Fabio hair and spray on tan and beats the fuck out of bad guys as the film is sped up to make it look realistic.  Even the chase scenes are sped up.  I was half expecting Benny Hill theme music to start going this thing is so shoddy.  After the police have failed again and again, Joe catches up with the Yakuza boss.  He made it personal so he dispatches him in fairly short order.  Since his cop booty call is useless after Robert Z’Dar’s stove top Brazilian, Joe has to save his number two fun time girl and exact revenge on Yamashita for earlier offenses.

The fights are horrendously choreographed as Hannon beats his way through a whole crew of stuntmen.  The shootouts are ridonkulous.  It’s like the A-Team is opening fire because not much gets hit.  The Yakuza are so broke that they keep reusing the same uzi and Remington long barreled shotgun over and over again.  Every time you see the same gun you should take a shot.  “It’ll git ya drunk!”  The cinematography is done by the same monkeys who typed out Macbeth and somehow they made a movie.  How was Albert Pyun not involved with this thing?  Oh wait…he was busy making CYBORG.

The marketing is as effective as the movie.  The cover is an obvious ripoff of Robert Z’Dar as Matt Cordell in MANIAC COP.  Instead of the menacing officer in uniform wielding a baton we get an officer in uniform with a katana in one hand and a severed head in another.  Because that’s what cops do…especially when they are the heroes…pfft.  It would have been much better if it was a beat cop walking around fighting crime with a katana…Hollywood get on that shit.  Even the tag line is a rip off of MANIAC COP’s.  “You have the right to remain silent…dead silent” instead of “You have the right to remain silent…forever!”  SAMURAI COP is a fun flick for all of the wrong reasons.  It has superb repeat value just because it provides so much riffing fodder.  Check it out.

The DVD features interviews with Robert Z’Dar and Gerald Okamura.  The transfer is mastered from a 35mm print and does as much as can be done for a flick like this.  Not to be missed SAMURAI COP is a bargain at twice whatever the price is!

Buried Treasure: Blood Beat (1983)

The tagline should have been “When she splays, she slays!” 

Buried Treasure is the heading I’ll be using for films that for whatever reason have been consigned to linger on in VHS format without a proper DVD release.  Blood Beat is one of those early 1980’s gems that still only exists on VHS.  It’s set in Wisconsin during the Christmas season.  It has that “Midwestern” feel to it.  It’s hard to put my finger on it, but being from and (fuck) still living in the Midwest, I know what it is.  It’s that wholesome (whatever that means), homey, folksy feel.  The scenery looks soft and cold and the folks there wear a lot of flannel.  They have sturdy names like Gary, Ted and Sarah.

Ted returns home to Wisconsin for Christmas break and brings his girl toy Sarah home to meet crazy ol’ mom.  Gary is a hunter and Cathy, Ted’s mom, is a painter and psychic of some kind.  She loves Gary, but she loves her shitty paintings more.  Her house is decorated with her own paintings, unlike a self-centered egomaniacal crazy bitch’s house.  It is probably what Thomas Kinkade’s house looked like before he overdosed.  

What’s seven feet tall and born from an orgasmic quim?  This guy.

The movie is a slow starter, but once it gets going the previous smaller weird occurrences come faster and aren’t just a little odd it gets downright fucked up.  Well how about just fucked.  I cannot tell you how crazy this thing is. Cathy is a psychic and has the ability to make a weak red glow around her hands.  Sarah is Ted’s hot piece of ass who likes to masturbate and fuck and masturbate more.  Unfortunately when she masturbates a Samurai warrior comes out and stalks the Wisconsin countryside and when she cums mother fuckers start to die.

Eat your mother fucking hearts out Industrial Light and Magic

The effects are pedestrian as shit.  The concept is…I don’t know, the writer was French (shrug)?  Anywho if your eyes didn’t pop out of your head on the above paragraph you know the gist of the movie.  What are the motivations behind these actions?  I don’t know, but if you do you can tell me in the comments or email 3SHorrorReviews@gmail.com!  The best I can come up with is that a vagina is like an heirloom chest full of Samurai armor and weapons.  Hopefully FilmDick.net or someone will figure this thing out.

This has got to be some kind of message movie.  Despite my loathing of people seeking deeper messages in fucking horror flicks I have to admit this may be one of those flicks.  Now I don’t know what the fuck that message is because there are definitely some wires crossed in trying to communicate with this thing.  If you haven’t seen it, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT.  I don’t fucking care how.  Sell plasma to get it.  Make friends with assholes you don’t like that have some sweet shit on VHS or DVD like Film Dick does.  Fucking suck someone’s cock if it is the only way you can feast your deprived and depraved eyes on this fucking movie.  Check out the trailer for a sneak peek.