The Boob Tube: Sexy Warriors (2014)

Ancient amazons Diana of the River Tribe (Jazy Berlin) and Athena (Erika Jordan) Queen of the Mountain People are both warrior women from the Isle of Lesbos. They duel over the legendary Orb of Azoth which is said to grant the wishes of those who are worthy. The River Tribe is trying to find out the secret of men while the Mountain People will do anything they can to prevent their society being polluted by men. Diana uses the Orb to jump to the future.

Christine Nguyen is gym owner Gail who digs her boyfriend but doesn’t mind getting a workout from one of her gym rats from time to time. She works up a sweat as she gets soft pounded in a weight room room and is as energetic and fun to watch as ever. As soon as she gets dressed Diana ends up in her gym. Good thing Gail is a fan of amazons…she reads their books all the time…she takes the blonde warrior home for dinner but Diana ends up teaching Gail a thing or two when she eats at the Y. Gail helps Diana find a man, Mario (Alec Knight), who takes her back to his place where she learns what she’s been missing out on. Though she’s never been with a man before she catches on pretty quickly.

Athena finally comes to almost forty minutes later and uses the orb to follow Diana to the present day. Where Rita (Misty Stone) and Mark (Voodoo) gab about why Rita finds men…lacking. Hatching a plan to escort the newly arrived amazon queen the two decide to exploit Athena in order to fund their own line of gyms. She has Mark hit the showers while she convinces the tight warrior with a tongue bath.

Gail, Diana and Erik (Brandon Ruckdashel) try to find out if Erik is the man that Diana was sent to bring back. Rita soaps up for the obligatory light jazz scored shower scene. The threesome tryst helps solidify Erik and Gail’s rocky relationship. Rita and Mark take Athena on a talk show to make some quick cash while Athena uses the show to find out where Diana is hiding. Mario sells her out and Athena confronts Diana in Gail’s house. After recovering from being maced Athena agrees to try a man out. Erik is denied since Gail is once again interested in him so it’s left to Mark to satisfy the demanding queen and preventing bloodshed between the tribes. It takes him no time to start grabbing at her zeppelins and trying to show her the value of men. The movies main fault lies is the fact that Ms. Jordan is woefully underused. She looks great in every scene and seems to have a lot of fun with the role.

As it turns out Sexy Warriors is simply a prelude to a punchline but one that is a decently humorous payoff for most flicks of this type. There’s also a couple other good lines. One of which being, “Is that a keg in your back pocket? Cause I want to tap that ass.” The DVD is pretty bare bones. In addition to the feature, the disc has trailers for Sexy Warriors, Lolita From Interstellar Space and Great Bikini Bowling Bash.

The Boob Tube: All Babe Network (2013)

Ms. Comptom (Mary Carey) is the station head at a struggling network. One of it’s centerpiece shows, Hoax Hunters, ratings have dropped through the basement and she is forced to cut the show’s budget even further. The host Brad, who happens to be the station owners uncle, slouches home and his blond bombshell wife comes up with just the thing. New costumes and gravity defying bazookas will help lift the show’s ratings among other things. After another botched broadcast Brad has one last chance and to remove the opportunity for his boss to sabotage the show again he takes the show on the road and goes squatch hunting.

When his footage is erased he has to improvise and perform it live. Little does he know that as he is frantically trying to save his job that his quick thinking and Stacy’s (Jazy Berlin) golden orbs would lead to the top of the station ladder. The success of the one program lands him the gig of program director and he turns it into the All Babe Network as Compton had feared. In fact it could almost be called the All Blonde Network as Jazy Berlin, Mary Carey and Beverly Lynne are the three whose bountiful bosoms do most of the heavy lifting, or petting, whatever…One of Brad’s strokes of genius is to spice up a car wax infomercial by waxing naked girls instead of cars. While Brad’s star is on the rise Compton does everything in her power (which appears to be fucking men and getting what she wants) to stop him but to no avail.

All Babe Network is a real hoot. It reminds me of another late nite flick I dig, Broadcast Bombshells, but with a more benign menace. Someone’s job is much more inconsequential than a bombing! The story is brain dead but fun and the ladies are all excited to doff their tops and get down to business. The scene order breaks down as follows: Intern Joey (Eric Masterson) nails Ms. Compton, Brad bangs out his girl Stacy, Stacy cleans up in the shower, Joey and Brenda hook up in the truck and woods, Mindy (Christine Nguyen) gets it on as the flick goes meta and the characters on screen comment on her bang, Compton and station owner Mark (Voodoo), Mark and Mindy.

The gals are looking good in this Retromedia boobanza and all bounce around and seem to have a good time doing it. Mary Carey is still a good looking woman and probably would have made a fine governor, I’d have voted for her twice if I could and Christine Nguyen may be the hottest late nite star working. She’s stacked, taut, and toned and is hella fun to watch. I think she may be the new queen of softcore the only one who comes close is Erika Jordan who’s body is phenomenal. All of the technical aspects, sound, photography, acting etc… are standard for this sort of fare and if you are watching All Babe Network then you know what you are in for. Check it out if you like soft bangs and sleaze.