The Boob Tube: Sexy Warriors (2014)


Ancient amazons Diana of the River Tribe (Jazy Berlin) and Athena (Erika Jordan) Queen of the Mountain People are both warrior women from the Isle of Lesbos. They duel over the legendary Orb of Azoth which is said to grant the wishes of those who are worthy. The River Tribe is trying to find out the secret of men while the Mountain People will do anything they can to prevent their society being polluted by men. Diana uses the Orb to jump to the future.

Christine Nguyen is gym owner Gail who digs her boyfriend but doesn’t mind getting a workout from one of her gym rats from time to time. She works up a sweat as she gets soft pounded in a weight room room and is as energetic and fun to watch as ever. As soon as she gets dressed Diana ends up in her gym. Good thing Gail is a fan of amazons…she reads their books all the time…she takes the blonde warrior home for dinner but Diana ends up teaching Gail a thing or two when she eats at the Y. Gail helps Diana find a man, Mario (Alec Knight), who takes her back to his place where she learns what she’s been missing out on. Though she’s never been with a man before she catches on pretty quickly.

Athena finally comes to almost forty minutes later and uses the orb to follow Diana to the present day. Where Rita (Misty Stone) and Mark (Voodoo) gab about why Rita finds men…lacking. Hatching a plan to escort the newly arrived amazon queen the two decide to exploit Athena in order to fund their own line of gyms. She has Mark hit the showers while she convinces the tight warrior with a tongue bath.

Gail, Diana and Erik (Brandon Ruckdashel) try to find out if Erik is the man that Diana was sent to bring back. Rita soaps up for the obligatory light jazz scored shower scene. The threesome tryst helps solidify Erik and Gail’s rocky relationship. Rita and Mark take Athena on a talk show to make some quick cash while Athena uses the show to find out where Diana is hiding. Mario sells her out and Athena confronts Diana in Gail’s house. After recovering from being maced Athena agrees to try a man out. Erik is denied since Gail is once again interested in him so it’s left to Mark to satisfy the demanding queen and preventing bloodshed between the tribes. It takes him no time to start grabbing at her zeppelins and trying to show her the value of men. The movies main fault lies is the fact that Ms. Jordan is woefully underused. She looks great in every scene and seems to have a lot of fun with the role.

As it turns out Sexy Warriors is simply a prelude to a punchline but one that is a decently humorous payoff for most flicks of this type. There’s also a couple other good lines. One of which being, “Is that a keg in your back pocket? Cause I want to tap that ass.” The DVD is pretty bare bones. In addition to the feature, the disc has trailers for Sexy Warriors, Lolita From Interstellar Space and Great Bikini Bowling Bash.

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