The Boob Tube: Bikini Bistro (1995)

Judy (Amy Lynn Baxter) is a hot young entrepreneur who is trying to make her struggling business work. Unfortunately her land lord is on her to finish paying the mortgage in four days or he’ll seize the property and kick her lovely ass out on the street and tear down the building. She laments to her cousin, Ron (John Altamura), about how hard it is to run a business when acting was easy with “hard work, the right people and a little sex.” He gets a brilliant idea to make the place work.  Judy has a former co star that knows how to sex things up a bit. You see Judy was a pornstar before she started slinging vegetarian dishes and asks her friend, Marilyn Chambers, for some help.  The first in a nightmarishly long parade of montages ensues showing the more exciting bits of vegetable shopping, redecorating and placing ads. The film includes all obligatory classes of montages from the slow undressing/dressing to the grope and grind soft bang.

BIKINI BISTRO is a comedy that actually has a couple of humorous gags in the form of picket signs from the one woman community decency group; the best of which being, “Heavenly bodies are the Devil’s work,” and “Flesh is for cooking so don’t be looking.” Aside from those the jokes fall flat. Thank goodness the cast doesn’t qualify as flat because that’s all this flick has going for it. Waitresses Luanne (Joan Gerardi) and Donna (Isabelle Fortea) are hired more for their charms than their skill and along with Judy they stuff the bikinis in the bistro.

What is supposed to pass as madcap hilarity and scorching encounters ensue as the ladies deal with customers, co-workers, and protesters alike. Luanne can’t get enough of her back in town boyfriend and Donna has her hands full fending off Ron’s advances yet agrees to a bet that she’ll doff an article of clothing for every mistake. Ron isn’t entirely helpful when it comes to preventing mistakes. Most of the girls look good and all of them put in some slow motion soft grind and grope time. Marilyn though…wow she needed to hang it up a lot sooner but for whatever reason director Ernest G. Sauer made several of these late night flicks in which she had a starring role.

The film is atrocious and the only reason I gave it a shot was the lovely Miss Baxter. The acting is bad, the camerawork is horrible and the sets are trash. Do yourself a favor and stay away, BIKINI BISTRO is not that entertaining of a movie.

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