Andy Sidaris was really nailing it when he started his run at PICASSO TRIGGER through RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH. The cream of that crop comes in 1990’s GUNS and carries on through DO OR DIE, HARD HUNTED and 1993’s FIT TO KILL. The stories are engaging and ridiculously over the top and the babes are the best looking of the Sidaris bunch. Cynthia Brimhall, Roberta Vasquez and Dona Speir make one stupidly hot combination. Anyone who disagrees is encouraged to suggest alternatives but I will already deem them wrong. Set them in Hawaii and have Vegas breaks and the movies are that much better. BATTLEGROUND: HAWAII will forever be the masterpiece that almost was; alas Andy you left us too soon.
The mysterious and nefarious shiatsu master Kane (Pat Morita) has hired six teams of deadly assassins to lay the L.E.T.H.A.L. ladies, Donna Hamilton (Dona Speir) and Nicole Justice (Roberta Vasquez), low. These elite killers track the lovelies through a bug planted on Donna’s wristwatch and each team is made up of two pros that have their own theme or schtick. The first two are the odd couple. A nebbish little guy and a hulking mother fucker who chase the girls down firing on their jeep from a helicopter. Nicole was injured by Kane’s thugs in their initial encounter and is tenderly hauling her sweet ass around with a cane. Good thing the cane doubles as a fucking rocket launcher so the babe with the bazookas can knock the would-be assassins out of the sky.
On the run from Kane’s relentless killers, the gals call their handler for help. He orders them to get to Vegas where they pick up Edy Stark (Cynthia Brimhall) who is still doing the singing showgirl routine. Also hired on to help is Colonel Rico Estevez (Erik Estrada). I’m shocked none of the babes comment that he looks a bit like Joaquin de Diamontes from GUNS. The intrepid agents square off against team after team of inept assassins but find themselves too stupid to figure out how their safehouses are always found out. Finally Edy burns her wrist when the tracking chip reacts to the microwave and they finally use it to their advantage as the last team of assassins heads in. Losing the game Kane is resigned to dealing with the Agency at a later date as his sexy secretary Silk (Carolyn Liu) is turned as a double agent enabling the girls to keep tabs on the mysterious menace.
The gals are supported in the cast department–no need for any other support because these girls defy gravity–are Bruce Christian (Bruce Penhall) and Shane Abilene (Michael Shane). Shane still can’t shoot for shit so he should just use that big .44 as a club instead of a gun. They also have a new recruit in the top heavy form of Atlanta Lee (Pandora Peaks) whose specialty is…I don’t know…hot tubbing maybe? Of course the ladies pair off with their men whenever the chance arrives because, as Edy reminds Lucas, “Even James Bond takes time for sex.” Yes. Yes he does. I imagine Pat Morita may have done the flick for free so he could rub up on nubile young babes as he gives them shiatsu massages.
Chock full o’ Playmates and Pets, the acting is what anyone who’s seen an Andy Sidaris film can expect. It doesn’t matter how well the line is delivered as long as the babe delivering it is good looking. There is an extremely painful moment when a ninja asks Roberta Vasquez “Who are you?” and she answers, “I’m Batman” before clubbing him with a baseball bat. It would have been unforgivable if she didn’t have such a fantastic rack. There is also the signature use of the Andy Sidaris remote controlled model aircraft and Erik Estrada tries to one up the cane rocket launcher with his baseball hand grenades.
Ya’ll can probably already tell my stance on the films of Sir Andy Sidaris. If you are reading this though, chances are I know yours as well. It’s what your looking for so don’t putz around. Don’t bother aiming pull the trigger like Shane Abilene and watch DO OR DIE.