From the people who brought you RUN! BITCH RUN! and the upcoming VENGEANCE starring Danny Trejo comes the Southwest sleaze-fest with the evocative title NUDE NUNS WITH BIG GUNS. To say Joseph Guzman is inspired by Robert Rodriguez would be an understatement. This film slavishly attempts to sum up Rodriguez’s oeuvre in 90 minutes. The washed out desert landscapes and overexposed shots lend themselves to that purpose and the music is pretty much the same as from any number of Rodriguez films. It is kind of like the filmmakers had the EL MARIACHI films playing on loop as they scripted and shot the film. So painstaking is the imitation that there are stag clubs called “Titty Flicker” and “Cherry Popper”… sound familiar?
The Catholic Church is evil. Not in the metaphorical or allegorical sense in this film they are downright nasty. They run the drug trade along with the help of the vicious biker gang Los Muertos and their mad dog leader Chavo (David Castro). The leader of the church, known only as The Padre (Oto Brazino), likes to keep a distance and much of the day to day operations are taken care of by Fathers Carlito (Percy D’Marco) and Bernardo (Maz Siam). The nuns are kept slaving away cutting the coke and packaging it kilos wearing nothing but their veils. Gotta keep those grimy nun hands from stealing the fine china if you know what I mean. Unfortunately one of their routine deliveries goes awry as one of the sisters decides to keep a kilo for herself. Chavo goes aboard looking for his blow and executes a nun before the guilty one offers the drugs back. A disgusted Chavo shoots her dead in what the director must have thought was a fantastically artistic shot involving the bullet going through the dope before hitting her center mass with a blossom of white powder and red blood. It wasn’t though. The last surviving nun is given to Chavo for his trouble and so begins Sister Sarah’s nightmare of forced addiction and prostitution. She is shot up with so much heroin that she is rarely cognizant that she is being sold off as a holy fuck doll by the hour. Finally she is given one last dose though her handlers believe it will kill her and offered up to Father John (Bill Oberst, Jr.) who begins abusing her. Chavo deals with the priest and has both of their bodies thrown out.
A soft hearted “doctor” takes pity on the nun who is not dead and saves her life as he weans her off of the drug. Sister Sarah has had visions of God and is now charged with the divine mission of killing everyone who works against the Almighty. The doc gives her a matched pair of nickel plated .45s and Sarah shows her gratitude by killing him for his sins. She begins to exact her revenge and dispense holy justice like a hot avenging angel as she slinks through church cellars and confessionals killing all who cross her path. She even manages a couple of lesbian hookups along the way before dispatching the evil abbess who got her involved in the whole drug ring in the first place.
The acting is mostly OK with the best performances often being the shortest. Bill Oberst, Jr. brings his special brand of malevolent intimidation to the role of Father John albeit briefly. David Castro is good with what he’s given to work with. His performance falls apart when the script tries to shoehorn humor into a humorless story. The story misses the natural humor often found in Rodriguez films. It tries so hard to find his that it loses its own. The effects are a nightmare of CGI generated crimson and the shootouts are ridiculous. This should be a film that I would have enjoyed on all levels but it failed to entertain me on all levels. This has a lot of nudity, a lot of shooting, a lot of rape and a ton of revenge. It just sucks though. Do yourself a favor and see something better.