The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)


Wow.  I really liked THE LAST EXORCISM but saw that there was no need for a sequel…at all… I came into LAST EXORCISM PART II with the lowest possible expectations and I was still disappointed.  There are two returning characters from the original film…Nell and Louis.  If you’re mind is foggy let me refresh it for you…Louis (Louis Herthum) is a man of God whose daughter Nell (Ashley Bell) was possessed by the demon Abalam and becomes pregnant through demonic machinations.  A retiring pastor is convinced to do one “last exorcism” for a documentary crew.  The denouement finds both Louis and Nell tied up, Louis gagged and Nell giving birth to a demon baby as a vicious cult surrounds them.  The pastor wades in crucifix held high and the film crew are slaughtered.  The ending seems to be firmly a win for the cultists-if by “win” they mean a monstrous demon now stalks the bayous of Louisiana.  The prophetic and possessed Nell had forseen the deaths of the pastor and film crew and two of them went as planned and the lead up to the third did as well.  Good ending but nooooo lets bring fucking demon baby mama back along with her dad who will show up cryptically and shit like he were a fucking shotgun toting ghost. 

Now, where do you begin with a pile…erm picture like this?  This thing just gets everything imaginable wrong.  It’s ham-handed, inept, and it’s shittier than anything shat from the bowels of M. Night Shyamalan.  First off the premise is fucking redonkulous.  The beginning shows a scant few clips from THE LAST EXORCISM and then removes itself from the found footage genre by showing the camera cast off into the woods where the previous film crew met their end.  Then reintroduce still possessed crazy as shit Nell back to polite society by shoehorning a scene with the worst written couple in 2013.  Have the movie follow Nell around.  Did I mention Nell is Ashley Bell already?  If you aren’t familiar with her she is somewhat attractive but cannot act worth a damn.  This is her first lead role and hopefully last… So we follow her the city as she works as a hotel maid.  We see her fall in love and we get the occasional reference to the omnipresent cult.  I mean they are everyfuckingwhere.  Her father comes to Nell’s halfway house with a shotgun to kill his little girl.  The Lord told him what was up, because he apparently died… A demon girl in the house saves Nell by killing him again… what the shit?

Spin up another secret cabal that is fighting the cult from the original.  Bring in the Order of the Right Hand.  Those with the ridiculous name are really only a mutual masturbation society with three members who know that hell is about to be unleashed and have to stop it…three fucking people?  The cult had an army.  Here’s the kicker (Spoiler ahead) Nell is still fucking possessed and Abalam is trying to seduce her to take full possession-which he had in the first fucking movie! What the fuck is the point here?!  Then the ending is so shit you’re going to have to watch it to believe it.  We’re talking low budget demon-driven Grand Theft Auto shit here.

Alright in summary: Story-poorly written cash grab bullshit.  Plot: Mostly incomprehensible with a dash of boring. Lead: Actress who cannot act (Amanda Bynes would have been a fucking upgrade).  Ending: Fucking bullshit YELLOWBRICKROAD shit here (not that its similar, its just been awhile since an ending pissed me off so bad…).  I would rather be seated in the seventh circle of Hell forced to watch M. Night Shyamalan’s SHE’S ALL THAT on fucking loop while all the imps of hades shove flaming pitchforks in my ass.  I hate this fucking movie… but you, brave souls, you have to see it.  If for no other reason so I know I do not suffer alone.  Piece of shit flick.

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