Franchise Fuckery: Witchouse (1999)

Somehow this pile has two sequels…how this rates 3.8 on IMDB is beyond me. Elizabeth La Fey has invited her classmates to a party in the Witchouse.  When they arrive its decked out like its Halloween but the party is in the spring.  The party is boring as shit and Elizabeth has an ulterior motive.  It’s May Day and she convinces some of the guests to sit in a circle holding hands around a pentagram on the floor.  She lectures and responds to questions with her eyes closed as though it were a seance.  This is the 300th anniversary of the death of Elizabeth’s ancestor Lilith.  The La Fey family had a reputation for witchcraft though no one suspected Elizabeth of being a witch.  It’s not like she dressed goth and had long black hair…of course she isn’t a witch.  

The classmates Elizabeth invites are all descendants of the Dunwich (yep) townspeople who killed Lilith.  This is discovered by a couple of the kids who found a dusty copy of the Necronomicon (yep).  Well spoilers be damned, if you are watching this festering pile of shit you deserve it.  Lilith is brought back and somehow turns the young partiers into demons one by one since the two heads of the first two victims were enough to reanimate her ancestor who looks like she was left over or rejected from SUBSPECIES.  

The movie talks…it talks a lot.  After a couple of throw off kills the movie slams on the breaks and a thirty minute exposition dump takes place.  The majority of the film is spent telling you what is going on instead of showing what is going on.  It commits that cardinal sin of being too damn boring.  Even when there is “action” or “effects” (notice the quotation marks) onscreen it is not close to what anyone would expect from Full Moon.  Not kidding about this.  I’ve come to expect a certain level of quality from Full Moon and WITCHOUSE fails on all counts.  A couple of the actresses are attractive but remain clothed for some inexplicable reason. Gratuitous nudity was made to keep dreck like this stumbling along.  Batting that come up with some over the top kills or a set piece of some kind.  Sadly the film is devoid of all of these.  One of the “stars” is Brooke Mueller who’s name may ring a bell if you followed the Charlie Sheen pain train a few years back.  Sheen’s Goddesses usually are not shy about popping their tops.  What the shit Mr. Band?

The DVD is fairly barebones.  It came in a box set THE WITCHOUSE TRILOGY for about ten bones.  It has an ad reel for Full Moon Direct and includes trailers for THE DEAD WANT WOMEN, KILLJOY’S REVENGE, ZOMBIES VS. STRIPPERS, EVIL BONG 3, KILLER EYE: HALLOWEEN HAUNT, GOOBERS, SHANDAR, and also includes a promo for Haunted Casino.  A couple of the flicks, GOOBERS and SHANDAR, are from the family line Moonbeam.  I kind of hope Moonbeam discs have Full Moon trailers on them.

Unless you are a Full Moon completist…there have to be some ofyou out there…avoid this like the plague.  Not a good movie in any way, shape, or form.  It almost seems like it could pass as a tax shelter flick… Check out the trailer below.

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