This is an odd pairing from Code Red presented as a double feature in the Maria’s “B” Movie Mayhem line of releases. 1986 teen comedy JOCKS is the first feature followed up by the sleazy reform school/drug trip flick CLASSROOM TEASERS as it was called in 1983 also originally known as THE STUDENT BODY in 1976. Both of these flicks are from Crown International Pictures, both have a vague college theme and both feature some young nubile female flesh. Barring those three things these flicks have nothing in common. Wait a second. There is one more thing. Maria intros both of these flicks in a tight white tank top with a tennis racket so it has that going for it. She is always a pleasing salve for a rough trip. It’s a shame there won’t be many more Code Red releases with her hosting.
It’s no wonder this flick sat shelved for a couple years before finally being released. JOCKS is a 1986 screwball teen comedy about a college tennis team. Tennis. Not hockey. If it was hockey it might be good. Remember SLAPSHOT, MIRACLE, MIGHTY DUCKS, hell MYSTERY, ALASKA is even watchable. It’s not football. I wish this thing was one iota as funny as NECESSARY ROUGHNESS. Nope this is tennis. Think WIMBELDON or some shit like that. Remember Paul Bettany? Dude had a halfway decent career started up until that steaming piece of shit came along.
This flick has some major star power too. Christopher fuckin’ Lee needed a paycheck. Richard Roundtree did the best he could and R.G. Armstrong was obviously having fun. Don Gibb was being Don Gibb and it even had young hot Mariska Hargitay. She has hot tits but doesn’t show them at all. Even in the fade to black before her sex scene she is in a chaste negligee not even a bra. Missed moment there-what moment? Probably the only moment folks would want to see this flick. Anyhow… Good ole U of LA is in the Western Conference tennis tournament and they haven’t had any kind of championship since Beetlebom (R.G. Armstrong) took over as athletic director. He hates the tennis program because they are a bunch of ANIMAL HOUSE level screw-ups and he really wants to get rid of the team and their coach Shaft. Just kidding, the coach is called Chip and he is played by Richard Roundtree.
Their best player goes solely by “The Kid” (Scott Strader in his final role in front of the camera…) and he is a hotshot free spirited party animal. He leads this misfit crew made up of every stereotype imaginable. Get ready for this shit because here comes the rest of the team. Jeff (TV director Perry Lang) the Preppy, Tex the Texan, Chito (Trinidad Silva asFuckin’ Chito!) the Mexican, Andy the Rick James character, and Ripper (Don Gibb) the musclehead. Chito even speaks rapid fire Spanish, does some seemingly Catholic things and hops around and hops around like Speedy Gonzalez. If that isn’t enough the team they face off against is Dallas Tech and they have a team that is kind of an odd mirror image of The Kid and company. Oh yeah. This is a flick from the mid 1980s so a transvestite has to play a moderate role. Oh the hilarity.
This film just isn’t funny…at all. I didn’t laugh, I didn’t chuckle, I don’t even think I cracked a grin.
The only high points of this flick are the puerile things that would have made me try to sneak and rent this thing in 1986. Boobs. There’s a wet t-shirt contest and a game of strip liar’s dice. Since the tournament is in Vegas there are also some prostitutes. So if you watch JOCKS enjoy the boobs but if you want to see boobs find a better way to do it than watching JOCKS. The only boobs worth seeking this thing out for stay well away from prying eyes. Try and get laid or something productive like that.
CLASSROOM TEASERS is another college age teen flick with some boobs. Inexplicably this is categorized as drama and comedy on IMDB
. Not as many boobs as JOCKS and that is a bit odd since this flick opens in a reformatory. Compared tonally with JOCKS this akin to comparing ALIEN with MAC AND ME. One is cutesy and cuddly and the other wants to rape your face off and blow out of your chest. CLASSROOM TEASERS is a meandering hot mess that doesn’t really fit neatly into any category. There is a little WIP in the beginning then there’s a little Co-ed drama followed up by the babes kept against their will. There is also a majorly creepy voyeuristic aspect and drug influenced psychodrama topped off with some teen girl liberation. Fuck. This thing is all over the exploitation map.
All of that said the premise is that three young, tan and tight babes, Carrie (Jillian Kesner),
Susan/Chicago (Janice Heiden), and Mitzi (June Fairchild), are given the chance to get out of the reformatory-whose laundry looks like a Bangladeshi garment shop-and enroll in college and take part in an experiment. If they make it through the semester on good behavior they will win parole. Sweet deal right? Wrong. The chicks are fed something they are told is phenobarbital in order to help them deal with the stress of classes and to help with their reintegration into society. It turns out kindly Dr. Blalock (Warren Stevens) is selling them down the river in a clandestine drug trial for a cool 150 large. It is an experimental drug with unknown side effects and these babes are the guinea pigs. Luckily enough there is a greasy big cop named Vernon in the basement that monitor cameras that are installed in all of the girls’ bedrooms to make sure they keep in line. What follows after their arrival is a disjointed montage of college life in Kansas City, Missouri.
As the film progresses Mitzi and Chicago fall into a downward spiral of side effects. Mitzi becomes incoherent and deranged and Chicago is practically in heat to the point where her sexual frustration manifests into violence. Carrie is the only one who is weathering the drug with no ill effects and she recruits the doc’s son to help her get to the bottom of things. Carrie does have an odd moment, I cannot tell if it is supposed to be induced by the drug or if it is the “moral moment” of this flick when she pulls a LEGALLY BLONDE on a professor when it comes to defining people. I would figure the films intentions were akin to those of GIRL, INTERUPTED but unfortunately they fall flat and this comes across as just another sleazy exploitation flick.
The picture quality on this one good though the condition of the source materials for the second feature is beat with scratches and splices. It clears up pretty good in the final reel. The disc includes a forced trailer for FAMILY HONOR. You know the one…“It makes no difference when they spit on your family honor!” and trailers for DEVIL’S THREE, THE BABYSITTER, and WEEKEND PASS. The Maria intros and outros are fun and there is a commentary with Steve Carver for JOCKS. The disc is labeled MARIA09 though there is no Code Red logo on the cover or the disc. This is probably the best looking release that these two titles will ever get. It’s available directly from Code Red.