Lady Street Fighter (1985)

Apparently this nasty little piece of shit was wrapped in 1975 and sat in the can for ten years. Let me tell you something-ten years was not nearly long enough. This mother fucker should have never seen the light of day. I am generally an advocate for the viability of almost all films. If someone has an idea and they have the drive to gather together whatever resources they can and put it to film it deserves to exist and maybe even be seen. I’m a celluloid (I guess digital now too) cinema existentialist. But then there is the still birth that is LADY STREET FIGHTER. This is one of those special calibre films. My esteemed colleague Film Dick left about 30 minutes into this 72 minute assault on good and bad taste due to the flick inducing panic attacks.  That’s how bad it is.  Someone who could sit through HARDGORE, WATERPOWER, MELANCHOLIA and other such garbage could not finish this piece of shit.  Sadly I did.  It is 72 minutes I will never have back and I would have preferred it to have been the last 72 minutes of my life when I’m 90 years old, incoherent and shitting myself so I wouldn’t have been aware of what the hell was going on on the screen.

The best praise that I can find for the flick claims it is “cruddily enjoyable” but I would beg to differ.  I

love some cruddy flicks and this one is not that enjoyable.  Renee Harmon plays the too old to kick ass but too dumb to care Linda Allen-the titular Lady Street Fighter.  She has had a couple better turns in James Bryan’s EXECUTIONER, PART II and Al Adamson’s CINDERELLA 2000.  In this flick she is plays a part she is way too eager to show off her titties for someone her age.  It also sounds like they had Spitting Images’ puppet Sun Ye dub her lines for the flick.  Her line deliveries are as unintelligible as this flick is incomprehensible.  Luckily enough I had an epiphany today that helped figure out the movie a bit.

Part of my job requires the maintenance of a few hundred colonies of lab rats.  Today I was scrubbing the containers these rats live in so I was elbow deep in rat shit flavored water which is a bit apropos of my reluctant remembrance of LADY STREET FIGHTER.  I realized that Linda had a stuffed dog with a tape that was somehow crucial to “Assassins INC.” and that nefarious outside groups were out to get it.  They were able to get her twin sister and strip her down into nothing but boobs and jeans and torture her in various ways.  Flogging with a bat and then stringing her up by her arms and beating her with a 2×4 until she is dead.  Then there are a series of encounters where this group tries to get the list.

It would be expected that with its title there would be a lot of badass kung fu fighting.  Alas no.  This flick is merely one poorly choreographed fight after another.  She is a piss poor action heroine.  There is also a scene where she is trying to seduce someone over the phone and she begins to lick the phone…Be thankful that there was no sequel as promised.

If there are any DVD collecting completists out there this is part of the Rare Flix series and can be found in Rare Flix volume 3 with REVENGE OF THE BUSHIDO BLADE and BRUCE LEE FIGHTS BACK.  As to why completists may be interested?  LADY STREET FIGHTER is a Code Red release that is only available in this set.  That said the picture quality and treatment this flick got is so much better than it deserves!

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