The Bottom of the Barrel for 2012

After some prodding I will put together a worst of for last year.  It’s going to be kind of difficult because  there were so many ass-tastic flicks released but I will limit the list to ten.  Some of these films hit the festivals in 2011 but all of them didn’t receive wide release until 2012.  Hell one of them is a little gem from the 80s.  It is definitely a bad film but I call it a gem because I love it.  Some may have other corresponding posts somewhere else on the blog others may have a larger entry later and there are some that I will spend the rest of 2013  drinking to forget (I’m talking about you PROMETHEUS you sure are pretty but you’ve got fuck all going on).  I’ve included the trailers but be warned they try to make the movie look good.  Except for the PROMETHEUS trailer which spoils the whole goddamned thing.  Fuckers.  Redbox was my dealer on most of the real dreck so if you have a thing for shitty flicks hit that thing up.  I think the Redbox is the red (or rape, I’ve heard it called both…) machine Gary Numan is singing about so be warned.

THE DIVIDE

The year was off to a shitty start with the January limited release of THE DIVIDE which had done the festival circuit in 2011.  This thing is a gritty, mean spirited study in angsty navel gazing.  What a pretentious piece of shit this flick pans out to be.  It had a lot of promise in that they found a quick and neat manner to get every character locked into one room while annihilating the rest of the world but then did fuck all with it.  Another cautionary tale on the power and politics of small groups and small minds…blah…blah…fucking blah.  For a more nuanced ranting you can find the link here.

PIRANHA 3DD

Wow did June shit on us horror fans.  But there are boobs here. This shit fest was rented on demand the day it dropped with fairly great anticipation.  The posters were fucking boss and the previous film was some seriously solid shit so I was stoked.  The previews were promising and Danielle Panabaker is fairly hot so rock on.  Well I should have said suck on cause this thing just disappoints from moment one.  There are a few fun gags (very few) and then there are definitely some boobs but it just falls flat.  For further reading and some saucy pics you should click somewhere about here.  Man that poster is banging but like many a good film poster they tend to embellish the film’s attributes.

PROMETHEUS

Fast on the heels of PIRANHA 3DD I was ready for a great palate cleanser so I thought PROMETHEUS will fit the bill.  It was big and it was shiny and the buzz was loud.  How bad ass was it to here “Prometheus has landed”?  I was excited as could be for this one.  But if anyone is like the Tony Romo of screenwriting it would be Damon Lindelhof.  What the fuck is this film?  Is it a deep delving spiritual quest?  Is it a love story?  Is it a story of biological vs. synthetic? Is it a gruesome body count flick? Nah, it is the second turd dropped on our laps in a two week span during June.  There are too many fucking characters given too little screen time.  There are ridiculously stupid scenarios that leave you, dear viewer, wondering how the fuck these numbskulls made it into space in the first place.  An odd and presumably hostile alien life form is not something to look at and talk too like a fucking pet with Down’s Syndrome.  If something incredibly tall and quite narrow is rolling after you why try to outrun it when it can be sidestepped.  Speaking of incredibly tall the creatures that are the Space Jockey species must have been cooked down in size like fucking shrinky dinks.  They are about 8 feet tall in this flick when the critter in the original was obviously gargantuan.  The pluses are the lead actresses are amazingly gorgeous and the effects are badass but sadly it lets down in a big way.  Oh and if I was in charge at 20th Century Fox the folks who put the trailer together would be standing in the unemployment line trying to extricate my foot out of their asses.

THE VICTIM

This is the second Michael Biehn film that was originally being bandied about in 2011 but didn’t see release until September 2012.  There’s a reason for that…it is a real piece.  Jennifer Blanc-Biehn gets naked a lot and believe it or not that is not a good thing.  The film is constructed in an inept ham-fisted way that tries to mimic superior films such as PULP FICTION or MEMENTO.  The flashbacks are so annoying mainly because they do fuck all to advance the story.  It tries to be faux gritty with boobs and violence but fails hard.  The best part is a ridiculous scenario which sees Danielle Harris getting railed over a boulder before she’s killed.  She is third billed and has just a tad more screen time than Steven Seagal didin EXECUTIVE DECISION.  You can check out more about this piece here.

CHERRY BOMB

Another turd that didn’t drop until June of 2012.  That was a fucking cruel month for genre fans.  CHERRY BOMB showed some promise.  A scantily clad stripper goes on the revenge trail.  Bad to the ass.  Wrong.  This cast is full of porn stars making their “legitimate” debut so the lines are delivered about as you expect.  The violence isn’t violent, the tension is non-existent and the added bonus is the strippers don’t get naked.  What the fuck…how hard is it to get a pornstar to pop her top for a flick? Don’t pitch your shit as an homage to grind house when it fails on all counts.  Get more details on the suck here.

GIRLS GONE DEAD

How can a movie based on bottom shelf nudie videos that became passe before the end of the nineties suck?  Easy, throw in a pinhead named Beetlejuice and an asshole named Sal.  This flick is fairly atrocious with bad effects including rubber heads and plastic weapons.  There are some boobs.  Oh yes dear viewer there are some boobs but that isn’t enough to make this flick anything more than something that I can’t forget soon enough.

OUTPOST: BLACK SUN

This is the sequel to a fairly decent flick starring Ray Stevenson that came out in 2008.  If you’ve seen it you will know why only one person from the previous installment shows up and he probably only showed up because he ran through that sweet OUTPOST cash by 2009.  OUTPOST worked great.  Nazis and Nazi zombies are pretty much played out in current horror flicks.  OUTPOST: BLACK SUN is almost more of the same except it doesn’t sit as well as the original.  Add to it that it leads up to a third part of a trilogy that only the filmmaker is eagerly awaiting and you have something like the MATRIX RELOADED’s younger and slower brother.

The last three are the Stygian Triplets of misleading cocksuckers of shitty movies.  You may or may not notice a theme…

THE BARRENS

Fuck yes.  I’ve been waiting for a good Jersey Devil movie since THE LAST BROADCAST!  Well Darren Lynn Bousman says, “Hey! You love the Jersey Devil, right?”  I reply, “Fuck yes I love the Jersey Devil bring that shit on!”  Then he says, “Fuck you here’s a movie about rabies. (Spoiler Alert).”  I’m still waiting on another Jersey Devil flick damn it.  You made a decent flick but it fails me because of the false bill of sale.

BIGFOOT: THE LOST COAST TAPES

Fuck yes. I’ve been waiting for a good Saskratch movie since THE LAST SHITTY SASKRATCH movie!  Well whoever the hell made this one says, “Hey! You love Saskratch, right?”  I reply, “Fuck yes I love Saskratch bring that shit on!” Then he says, “Fuck you here’s a movie about aliens. (Spoiler Alert).” I’m still waiting on another Saskratch flick damn it.  You made a shitty flick but it fails me mainly because of the false bill of sale.

THE TALL MAN

Fuck yes.  I’ve been waiting for a good Tall Man movie since MARBLE HORNETS webseries! Well Pascal Laugier says, “Hey! You love Tall Man, right?” I reply, “Fuck yes I love the Tall Man bring that shit on!” Then he says, “Fuck you here’s a movie about a group kidnapping underprivileged children from their poor parents and giving them to rich people. (Spoiler Alert).”  I’m still waiting on another Tall Man flick damn it.  You made a decent half of a flick but it fails because of the false bill of sale.

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