My Top Ten Christmas Horror Flicks

It’s December so here’s the list of what I’ll be watching.  What will you guys be checking out? Anything I need to see let me know…

10.  SANTA’S SLAY
       What if Santa wasn’t a kindly old elf but instead a demon who lost a bet and has to spread toys and  cheer? If you’ve ever wondered check SANTA’S SLAY out.  To crank up the kitsch factor Santa is Goldberg…

9. SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOYMAKER (1991)
    Really this one just needs two words.  Mickey fucking Rooney.  Three words then. Fine. It is an amazing example of hypocrisy come full circle from “Bill” condemning the original to starring in the fourth sequel…fun stuff.

8. NIGHT TRAIN MURDERS (1975)
    This is a nasty little gift from Italy that is scored by Morricone and provides some of the most oddly evocative and colorful shots.  It plays out as nihilistically as LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT.  Save this one for those bitter and hateful days in the run up to the holiday.

7. DON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984)
    Santa didn’t bring you that bicycle or iPad 54 that you wanted? Fuck him. You’ll love this evil spirited mother fucker from across the pond.  Watch Santa get offed over and over and over again.

6. TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT (1980)
    Sorority chicks get stalked and killed by two Santa Clauses.  ‘Nuff Sed.

5. BLOOD BEAT (1983)
     Christmas breakers battle a samurai in Wisconsin’s woods.  If you need any more encouragement this yuletide killer is summoned every time a chick masturbates.  You can pre-order this gem on amazon. You’re welcome.

4. SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984)
    If I saw Santa off my parents, I would probably end up a little fucked up too.  Would I turn into the justice dealing spirit of Christmas meting out punishments left and right? I fucking hope I would.  This is probably the Christmas horror film you’ve been trying to remember.

3. GREMLINS (1984)
     Did all this shit come out in 1984? This is on the list because it belongs.  If you have any questions as to why, I’m not going to tell you…get off your lazy ass and go see this bad mother fucker.

2. BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)
    Did you think Bob CHRISTMAS fuckin’ STORY Clark’s nasty lil canuck gem wouldn’t make this list?  More sorority chicks get slaughtered in this mean spirited flick.  This may be the creme de la creme of Christmas horror but I would like to offer an alternative…

1. ELVES (1989)
     How about some Nazi demon elf from hell brought back to life by the blood of a virgin during a pagan  anti Christmas ritual?  It doesn’t get any sleazier or nastier than this.  Still doubt? What if this elf was the key to a plot to bring about the master race? Still not biting? A drunken ex-cop turned mall Santa is the only one who can defeat the ELVES!

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