Diane LeFanu is just a hip chick. Wait a minute… LeFanu….LeFanu…LeFan–Oh I get it. She’s a hip undead chick who wants to give and receive some sweet free lovin’. Hip shit goes down in the 70’s stravaganza. Like many of these flicks they quickly use a bit of attempted rape to draw the viewer’s attention. Never mind that its called THE VELVET VAMPIRE… that won’t get anyone’s attention. It may help that Diane is hot and she just might love to fuck.
I really dig how this flick is set in the middle of the California desert as opposed to more temperate and urban settings. Throw in the dune buggy and it feels like we’re just a hop, skip and a jump from the Spahn Ranch! Nope, not the Spahn Ranch, but the LeFanu Hacienda is adorned with tall Greek columns.
If the title and the opening left doubt for some reason, allow me to reassure you, this movie will get as surreal as fuck. In fact there are several times it turns into a Pink Floyd music video threesome. Other action sequences include a fantastically cheesy race from a slow rolling mine cart. Not to mention a paralysis inducing encounter with a rattlesnake. Indiana Jones this chick ain’t. Wait…maybe…Indy didn’t like snakes did he?
Yee haw…we get to see Hee Haw’s Sherry Miles Hee Haws a few times.
Ever since that Twilight shit came out I’ve been learning all kinds of new shit about vampires. I’ve learned they glitter, are emo as fuck, and like to gaze at their own fucking navels while bemoaning their glittery fucking state. From this flick I learned a few other things. Vampires have to have superhuman ears to keep them from exploding as their victims scream into them. Vampires sometimes eat raw chicken liver while wearing a flamingo. This last bit is so surprising that Susan’s husband, Lee, gets downright indignant and questions why she would eat what she eats then she eats his cock. He doesn’t seem to question that. Susan gets pissed but she shouldn’t. Diane also wants some of her sweet nani nani so she needn’t be jealous.
After killing Lee, Diana stalks Susan all the way to a bus station in Los Angeles. Interesting to note that this scene was shot rogue and some of the folks in the station look surprised at what is going on around them. The rogue aspect kicks up the fun factor though this isn’t the most fun or crazy scene in the flick. The real wacky fun comes after they get out in the streets. Susan runs down an alley where a vendor’s booth sits behind a giant cross in a fountain. That booth sells crosses. Susan grabs handfuls of the things and passes them out convincing a group of bystanders into…get this…take up crosses and chase the luscious but soon to be melting Diana down the street yelling get her etc… The only thing missing are the pitchforks and torches.
Good thing she finally finds solace in the arms of her friend…Carl…Carl Stoker, I shit you not! This is one that has to be seen to be appreciated. THE VELVET VAMPIRE is sleazy and gritty goodness.