Thing That Should Not Be: Cherry Bomb (2011)

This flick is such a bizarre steaming heap.  It has some up and coming genre starlets with mainly no name actors (or hired dicks from porn) with a couple of odd strands running through them.  Some of the starlets had appeared together in something called KILLER SCHOOLGIRLS FROM OUTER SPACE (oddly enough with the fucking Hedgehog himself in it…) and some of them appeared together in the FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS TV series.  There must be some kind of tangled web going on there.  The two main starlets of note are Julin Jean, who plays Cherry Bomb and was also in KILLER SCHOOLGIRLS, but is much more memorable as Miko in SWEATSHOP; and Denise Williamson, also from KILLER SCHOOLGIRLS, and smoking fucking hot.

The tit-ular character is is Cherry Bomb.  She strips for a living and has a lot of fun doing it too.  The only thing is ten minutes in it turns from sleazy tit fest to even sleazier rape revenge flick.  The plot telegraphs the ending from a mile away, from who covered shit up and who hired the seven foot tall Samuel What the L Jackson look alike hit man in a suit with full on ‘fro and shades.  Instead of ripping QT off wholesale, there is no Wolf in the flick.  Nah, but the big hit man is called Bull and he specializes in cleaning up messes and covering shit up…

The story is basic so it is hard to grasp how this can get so fucked up.  Oh yeah, lack of fucking catharsis. How’s that for starters?  Not sure how the fuck you can have a revenge flick with all of two minutes of actual abuse and hate fueled rage.  Cherry is all happy and chipper when she goes to find her long lost brother, and decides it will be easy to start killing the folks who raped her.  That’s fine.  I love the whole “She Wants Revenge” plot lines, I think there is serious power in them.  But what the fuck is this travesty?  She shows remorse for her bisexual, sexy redhead stripper friend Sapphire’s death (ooops, spoiler? If you are actually going to see the fucking thing maybe.)  She shows approximately 20 seconds of sorrow over the long and painful bleed out death of her newly reconciled big brother (not a spoiler, because if you had half a fucking lick of sense you would have turned it off by now and never knew or cared he died anyhow.)  How does it end?  Everyone except all, minus one, of the myriad of strippers whose titties are shoved and shaken in your face in the five minutes before this thing falls all to shit and gone.  We don’t even get to see the finer talents of Julin or Denise Williamson so this thing was beyond a waste of time.

Do everyone a favor and skip this fucking thing.  Technically the cinematography (I guess you can call it that) ranges from novice to “who the fuck gave rain man the fucking camera again?”  The script had to have been dead on arrival.  Someone should have buried the mother fucker but this has “vanity project” written all the fuck over it.  I wondered if Larry Bishop was involved in this but I realized I liked the Larry Bishop Appreciation Society video known as HELLRIDE.  Best thing about this was the trailer for STRIPPERS VS. WEREWOLVES.  I’ll check that out later.  SPIRIT CAMP too. It looks more light hearted and fun.

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