Thing That Should Not Be: Piranha 3DD (2012)

Movie posters never seem to follow truth in advertising but this one pisses on my leg and says its raining.



What the fuck was that?  I have been excited about the follow up to Alexandre Aja’s 2010 boobs and blood bonanza Piranha 3D since I’d heard announcement.  I was also happy that John Gulager was attached as director, I enjoy the hell out of the Feast movies.  Gary Busey was to have a bit part, as was Clu Gulager. Ving Rhames was going to return as the scarred but still kicking (or wheeling) deputy from the first disaster at Lake Victoria.  Christopher Lloyd was the mad scientist again and David Hasselhoff was going to play himself!  Looking closer I found the film was going to be carried by Danielle Panabaker…okay.  She worked for me in The Crazies, The Ward, and the Friday the 13th reboot.  I’m willing to give it a shot.

Some of the rarest things in this flick.  DDs.

What the fuck happened?  The hell.  The flick didn’t open anywhere nearby so I got it on On Demand.  It was a two day rental, but I really only needed it for less than 90 minutes.  It was painful to watch.  It was an assault on the senses, but not in a good way.  The first one had flash.  It had a good fast pace, great setting, a sense of scale and scope, and some great actors along for the ride.  This one lacked all of those.  The Hoff was phenomenal but he was just playing a fictionalized (?) version of himself.  Other than that there is nothing worth seeing in this dreck filled waste of fucking digital video.  The effects sucked.  The fish were onscreen for maybe 20 minutes and there were boobs on screen for significantly less time then that.  Hard to sell the idea of a water park called the Big Wet with the Wet Spot “adult” play area.  For a park staffed by strippers there is little fucking stripping being done.  “Double Ds swim free!” is the big promotion and from what I gather this region is either seriously devoid of DDs or they don’t like to swim.

This is as good as it gets.  Piranha 3DD does not deliver as promised.

Danielle Panabaker is cute, and it looks like she tried.  The other actors are pathetic with the male leads looking like fucking twins.  Since this a post Clerks movie it is full of dick and fart gags all of go over as well as  a dog fart in a candle store.  We even have an employee regularly fucking the water port, while folks watch, and it seems to be okay.  I can’t help but ask once more, what the fuck happened?

I think both of them are saying “Why the fuck am I in this with you?

This thing had a $20,000,000 budget so it wasn’t too much less than the first one.  I have no idea where this money went though.  Piranha 3D had Elizabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Eli Roth, Jerry O’Connell, Dina Meyer, Richard Dreyfus and most importantly babes with names as big as their boobs!  Kelly Brook, Riley Steele, Gianna Michaels, and Ashlynn Brooke all girls that work well with both with their tops popped and on their backs.  Piranha 3DD had…sooomeeone from the Bachelor?  Fuck.  I should have stopped there and saved my fucking $8 but noooooo.  How can anyone screw up wet boobs and blood on the water?  

This is pretty much as exciting as the fucking ending gets. Oh yeah and spoiler.

I would give you a synopsis but there isn’t really much of a plot.  Long ass front load with very little boobs, blood or piranhas until the last 15 minutes or so which really doesn’t deliver much at all.  No inspired kills just boring ass dick and ass gags for the first spell.  A love triangle which doesn’t really exist and wasted appearances by Gary Busey, Clu Gulager and Christopher Lloyd.  Maybe if the fish had flown?  Nah still not enough blood, boobs or anything.  This thing was dead on arrival and probably will cause the Weinsteins to think a hell of a long time before delving into a genre flick like this again.

Best part of the flick is the smarmy drunk guy who eats burgers off of the floor.


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