Buried Treasure: Blood Beat (1983)

The tagline should have been “When she splays, she slays!” 

Buried Treasure is the heading I’ll be using for films that for whatever reason have been consigned to linger on in VHS format without a proper DVD release.  Blood Beat is one of those early 1980’s gems that still only exists on VHS.  It’s set in Wisconsin during the Christmas season.  It has that “Midwestern” feel to it.  It’s hard to put my finger on it, but being from and (fuck) still living in the Midwest, I know what it is.  It’s that wholesome (whatever that means), homey, folksy feel.  The scenery looks soft and cold and the folks there wear a lot of flannel.  They have sturdy names like Gary, Ted and Sarah.

Ted returns home to Wisconsin for Christmas break and brings his girl toy Sarah home to meet crazy ol’ mom.  Gary is a hunter and Cathy, Ted’s mom, is a painter and psychic of some kind.  She loves Gary, but she loves her shitty paintings more.  Her house is decorated with her own paintings, unlike a self-centered egomaniacal crazy bitch’s house.  It is probably what Thomas Kinkade’s house looked like before he overdosed.  

What’s seven feet tall and born from an orgasmic quim?  This guy.

The movie is a slow starter, but once it gets going the previous smaller weird occurrences come faster and aren’t just a little odd it gets downright fucked up.  Well how about just fucked.  I cannot tell you how crazy this thing is. Cathy is a psychic and has the ability to make a weak red glow around her hands.  Sarah is Ted’s hot piece of ass who likes to masturbate and fuck and masturbate more.  Unfortunately when she masturbates a Samurai warrior comes out and stalks the Wisconsin countryside and when she cums mother fuckers start to die.

Eat your mother fucking hearts out Industrial Light and Magic

The effects are pedestrian as shit.  The concept is…I don’t know, the writer was French (shrug)?  Anywho if your eyes didn’t pop out of your head on the above paragraph you know the gist of the movie.  What are the motivations behind these actions?  I don’t know, but if you do you can tell me in the comments or email 3SHorrorReviews@gmail.com!  The best I can come up with is that a vagina is like an heirloom chest full of Samurai armor and weapons.  Hopefully FilmDick.net or someone will figure this thing out.

This has got to be some kind of message movie.  Despite my loathing of people seeking deeper messages in fucking horror flicks I have to admit this may be one of those flicks.  Now I don’t know what the fuck that message is because there are definitely some wires crossed in trying to communicate with this thing.  If you haven’t seen it, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT.  I don’t fucking care how.  Sell plasma to get it.  Make friends with assholes you don’t like that have some sweet shit on VHS or DVD like Film Dick does.  Fucking suck someone’s cock if it is the only way you can feast your deprived and depraved eyes on this fucking movie.  Check out the trailer for a sneak peek.

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