Goofin’ on Saskratch: Sasquatch Mountain (2006)

That’s as creepy as this gets.

Lance Henriksen is a tow truck operator, Chase Jackson, whose wife’s car breaks down. While he is trying to repair it she is filming him and then she is rundown after filming Bigfoot running through the woods.  

Cheap ass mother fuckers.

Uh-oh.  Then there is a cut to a title card that says “Devil on the Mountain” twelve years later.  I frigging hate title card cuts.  The classy way to do things would be like James Bond at the end of Quantum of Solace but then again this is Sci-Fi Channel production.  Ah ha.  Update Devil on the Mountain is the original title of the film that was not actually changed on the film itself.  Just the DVD menu, case, IMDB etc…

Looks like an early 90’s music video to me.

Why the fuck does there always seem to be a crime subplot in these low budget horror movies.  Oh wait, I forgot, it’s to fill in a poorly written story with poorly written filler.  They should just use more shots of Cerina Vincent wearing low cut tops and stretching suggestively.  Once again she costars with Melanie Monroe–I guess she comes with every Sci-Fi Channel Picture.  Cerina is offered a chance to buy the Bigfoot tape her mom recorded prior to her death.  There’s a Bigfoot festival going on in town and the robbers hit the bank wearing Bigfoot masks. They botch the shit and have to kill a deputy and then crash headlong into Cerina in her SUV.  

The seventy year old Sheriff calls in his deputies as backup and also gets help from the slightly younger Eli Van Cleef–master tracker and ex-soldier played by Tim Thomerson.  He voices the same sentiments that many viewers have about Cerina, or Erin (though the film has not even introduced her by name) when he says “I’d sure like to pick them apples.”  Then Tim Thomerson’s role seems to end.  Lance Henriksen classes up any flick with his delivery.  Welp, Eli isn’t done just beat the fuck up.  He agrees to back Chase up if he says he sees the Loch Ness Monster.  

Crooks and cops team up to fight their way out of the woods.In a faux poignant moment, Travis the ringleader saves the geezer sheriff while recalling how he failed to save his dad.   Faux poignant moment number 2. The one surviving crook asks the old sheriff if he’d make a good sheriff.  The sheriff asks if he would make a good bank robber.  The message: People are different!  Let me express shock at how deep this movie is…pfft.

It’s kind of like Space Cowboys with Bigfoot.

Well two cops and Lance make it.  The only bad guy to survive is the smiling one that tries to get in Cerina’s pants.  I still don’t remember them saying her fucking characters name in the movie! We get no gore, no boobies (wtf?) but then again it is SyFy.  The effects are mind-blowing.  They range from some stage blood, a guy in a suit, squibs, Cerina Vincnet jiggling, and someone shaking a tree.  

All we get is cleavage and jiggling. WTF? Let those puppies breathe!

Bigfoot stuff they included. Giant Bigfoot tracks.  Bigfoots–or is it Bigfeet?– throw rocks.  Bigfoot loves to maul cops.  Bigfoot is a drama queen when he dies. 

All and all it’s meh. Not good, definitely not great, but it has eye candy and Bigfoot.  You don’t need much else!

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