“Something is blocking my thoughts…” I guess at some point during the film something was blocking my thoughts. I just sat back and enjoyed the hell out of it. This isn’t your traditional vampire flick by a long shot. You don’t even see fangs until forty-seven minutes into it. It is, I guess a mashup between PLATOON and THE LOST BOYS. I guess so because it is THE LOST PLATOON.
Veteran journalist, David Hollander, recognizes four soldiers in a photograph from a 1991 Nicaraguan conflict as being soldiers he saw during WWII. In a desperate battle Hollander and his friends are shot to pieces and overrun by Nazis until they are saved by a saber wielding vampire soldier named Jonathan. The vampire looks at Hollander and says “You don’t want to live forever, do you?” Apparently construction or demolition sites pass muster because they look enough like a bombed out European village.
In order to introduce the big bad, cheering peasants wave happily as they get machine gunned by the toadies of an evil Nicaraguan generalissimo. His soldiers garrison what looks to be a Civil War era fort, cannon and all. Turns out it was filmed in Alabama at the Fort Gaines State Park.
|Nothing out of the ordinary about this group of guys.|
The “lost platoon” of vampire soldiers show up and they resemble the Village People more than a badass military unit. he leader is blond and looks rather like Kiefer Sutherland from the Lost Boys. They carry a slew of anachronistic weapons to show they are from a different time–because the ad hoc mis-matched uniforms aren’t a hint. Walker, who channels Bill Paxton from Aliens, plays the tough guy and is apparently the loose cannon of the bunch. He throws a knife through a soldier and into the tree behind him. We later find that he is the youngest. He’s only one hundred or one hundred and ten. The big reveal is that the four members of the lost platoon have served in the U.S. military since the Civil War.
The lost platoon bivouacs with the normal U.S. Army contingent and are just labelled as misfits who were separated from their unit. Never mind the fact that some of them are wearing Civil War garb. Well Hollander finds himself once again indebted to the vampires. He is shot and they save his life by giving him vampire blood once again.
The final showdown at the General’s fort is about as action packed as any 1991 flick could be. The fort is a veritable clown car full of inept lackeys. The lost platoon slaughter them almost playfully–smiling as they chuck grenades. In the run up to the fortress Walker is wounded by a small stake to the ankle. Don’t worry, he announces his return just minutes before he gets his ass beat by the general who is Jonathan’s brother. The throw down between Vladimir and Jonathan and the now vamped up Hollander. After a few half-assed punches and shoves Jonathan shoves a grenade in his brother’s abdomen and boom. Dead vampire brother.
The big question I have is what was the Generalissimo’s whore friend? She told one of the platoon that their powers were useless that she was not one of their kind. After Hollander stabs her with a knife she spins and spins and then explodes. There is no explanation given as to what she is at all! Whatever I’ve had fun so I’ll roll with it!
For me the most memorable quote by far is:
“I thought I had the world by the balls, but I looked down and saw that the balls in my hand were my own.”
Some of the camerawork looks like it was shot by an apprentice from Decisiones on Telemundo; while some of the music is late 80’s synthesizer the rest is soap opera piano music.
Definitely not for everyone but if you come across a VHS of it check it out!