Thing That Should Not Be: Stormhouse (2011)

Play implies fun this is crap…

I watched this piece of shit quite awhile back and I was not even going to review it.  But now that I think about it the premise is enough to draw some folks in and I wanted to warn away those who might be tempted.  Spoilers will follow.  I will reveal some fairly shitty plot twists and what not so be forewarned.  

All generic soldier types fall in!

The setup for this movie is totally badass.  This movie is an account (not found footage or anything like that) of the last four days of the Stormhouse operation.  A military operation has trapped a supernatural entity.  Only the secretive commander of the base, called Stormhouse, knows how the entity was captured.  Some speculate a machine was used to pull it in from the afterlife.  The Major and crew of the base are the most despicable and unsympathetic group imaginable–unsure if it is on purpose but intentional or not it doesn’t work.  I suppose it is to make the ghost whisperer more likable, but that fails because it is as though Carrie from Sex in the City was imported into this base to advise the military.  Flick seemed promising until I actually started watching it.  I read the DVD box and then it was all downhill from the moment I actually put the disc in the player…

This fucking thing made me want to cry too.

A government minister is curious about the operation and sends in a a ghost whisperer to report to him.  Hayley, the ghost whisperer, is intrigued by the entity.  She attempts to communicate with it.  She is the most inept ghost whisperer because she finds out approximately nothing about the creature while it is confined.  Here comes a shocker-the military is trying to weaponize the ghost.  Something we all have known is a dubious prospect at best ever since Aragorn went under the mountain.

Well the major has been given a terrorist to use in whatever way he deems fit.  So he throws it in the ghost’s cage.  That’s right.  A chain link cage with a hole cut in it so the major can chuck people into it from time to time.  The ghost beats the terrorist’s ass and then the major locks him up.  Well ghost finally has had enough and goes person hopping.  He possesses and kills some of the soldiers and frees the terrorist who kills the other soldiers.  

One of the few plusses is at least she doesn’t survive either.

Miserably long story made blissfully short, the only ones left are the major and the ghost whisperer and the ghost.  Through a brilliant flash of insight, the fact that the ghost seems to run off with a bunch of children playing soccer near the base…wait what?  What the fuck ever.  Leads our intrepid Hayley to figure out the ghost was a child.  Zing.  The major grabs Hayley and clubs her over the head with his pistol.  He drags Hayley back into the base and chucks her in the ghost cage.  She stands up and bang.  He blows her head off and guess what.  Instant captured angry ghost.  Wait I thought this was the last four days and now it starts again…what the fuck ever.  Shitty movie with shitty plot twists thinks it is slick.  

The effects are ok and though the film is dark it succeeds in being moody.  The premise is also pretty good.  The real failing is in the execution of the flick.  The plot falls apart fairly quickly and the twists are real weak.  It could have been much more.

Don’t waste your time on this one.  I know its a ‘message’ movie.  The government/military or whatever the fuck I don’t agree with imprisons our souls…yadda yadda yadda I don’t give a fuck-entertain me.  Some blood, little gore, no good characters and no bare female chests. Only female in this one is annoying as fuck too.

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