The Phantom of the Mall (1989)

Let me ask one thing “Who the Fuck is Eric?”

Small town rumors and politics abound in the 1989 offering PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC’S REVENGE. Who the fuck is Eric and why the fuck should I care if he get’s revenge… 

Is that the Weasel, bud-dy?

This film features performances by Morgan Fairchild, Pauly Shore, Ken Foree, and even Rob Estes! The DVD cover makes it seem that Pauly Shore is the star, but alas Buzz is more of a bit part.

For fucking realz!

Midwood is a small town that now has a mall. They are thrilled and the developer promises “No more shopping in the rain!” The mall was built on ground previously occupied by Eric’s house. You know the Eric from the title. Well he is badly scarred from a fire and he wears a half-mask and lives under the mall. That’s right under the mall. So there is some more insight into the title.  Fuck, the Phantom even shows up at the end at a party where the town is celebrating the opening of the mall. If you are still so fucktarded as you don’t know what I’m talking about then do yourself (and the world) a favor. Stop the movie immediately and go read a fucking book or two.  

The perverted security guards, headed up by genre stalwart Ken Foree, leer at the bodacious 80’s babes in the fitting rooms. We get to spy on the proverbial bevy of beauties. Unfortunately dear viewer we do not get as many breasts as a slasher from this time period typically promises. So it turns out Eric’s girlfriend has flashbacks to the time (last year) when the mall was her boyfriends house.  She has a lot of dream flashbacks. A shit ton of them. This chick must sleep all the fucking time. They are in his room fucking and for some reason she feels the need to use a body double. It’s Kari Whitman and it’s not like she wasn’t in CHAINED HEAT II or anything…The rough edits between her face and shoulders and her double’s tits and taut belly were distracting.

Yep. It’s a dead and impaled Morgan Fairchild.

The kills are interesting, one attempted-rapist guy receives fellatio from a cobra in a bathroom stall–badass.  A guy gets his head pushed through a fan. A guard is electrocuted until his eyeballs pop out and land in slushee mix. There’s even a fucking car chase through the mall parking garage!Other pluses include the fact that Eric is constantly under the mall training–we’re talking prison yard kind of training and when he finally speaks he sounds like Christian Bale as fucking Batman!

Overall the flick can be summed up by quoting Eric just before he is caught in the conflagration…”You smell something?” I sure do.  Late 80’s cheese. Finely aged! Enjoy dear readers!

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