Neon Maniacs (1986)

Woah.  Just woah.

“When the world is ruled by violence and the soul of mankind fades, the children’s paths shall be darkened by the shadows of the Neon Maniacs.”   I’ll let that sink in for a sec.


I love unexplained and unnecessary narrators.  Especially when the gibberish seems so important and that it holds the key to understanding the film.  Will the voice come back and tell us from whence these maniacs come?  What they really are?  Why they are called the Neon Maniacs?!  No. What an ominous opening done in voice-over by a narrator who will not be heard from again for the duration of the film. 


This film makes absolutely no sense.  It doesn’t pretend to have a “message”, it doesn’t try to have pretensions.  It is like the titular Neon Maniacs themselves, it just is.


So these maniacs are the Neon Maniacs…and they live under the Golden Gate Bridge.  They aren’t zombies, they aren’t ghosts, no one knows what the fuck they are–probably even the filmmakers too.  They only come out at night if you are worried about that.  There are several of them.  Let’s list ’em here for the sake of posterity:


Ape
Axe
Archer
Decapitator
Samurai
Doc
Slasher
Soldier
Hangman
Juice
Mohawk
Scavengers

The names of these maniacs may seem confusing at first but they are kind of like living monster action figures.  Archer kills with a crossbow, Hangman hangs you, Slasher slashes you, Soldier shoots you, Axe has an axe, Mohawk is an Indian…if you don’t get the picture I can’t fucking help you out anymore.  

Here’s Ape and Mohawk…you may be confused.

Folks who hang around the Golden Gate Bridge at night, especially groups of horny kids are fucking doomed from the start.  There is young Natalie who is the virgin who wants her first time to be special and boy howdy, let me tell you, the Maniacs deliver on the special.

Someone was getting head while the other lost it.

Natalie survives.  For some reason the Maniacs are pissed and are hellbent on getting the one that got away.  Somewhere along the line a monster movie fan-girl–who’s acting is only bested by Linda Blair in SAVAGE STREETS–falls into the scenario along with boyfriend interest guy who is lead singer a la Michael Bolton of a high school band.  Well its prom, or its Halloween prom–fuck I really can’t tell you–but a lot of fucking thirty year old high school students are at a dance in costume.  Needless to say the Maniacs are inside Natalie’s head(?!) and able to track her to the Halloprom.  Soldier kicks open the door and pulls a Columbine on the kids emptying his M16 into them before being taken out by a fire hose.  The kids freak the fuck out while the lead singer tells them not to panic and remember their squirt guns heh heh heh.


Well the lead cop survives to the very end and then gets killed and dragged into the–get ready for it–extra-dimensional ambulance hidden away in a tunnel beneath the Golden Gate Bridge!  That’s right kiddos the Neon Maniacs live in a closed off tunnel in an ambulance under the Golden Gate Bridge.  They only come out at night.  They can only be killed with water (?!)–never mind they live under the fucking bridge alongside the bay…What this flick lacks for in plot, character development, plot, story and shoddy filmography more than makes up for it in practical effects and sheer audacity.


Despite its many faults I dig the hell out of this flick.  It is absolutely whacked out and worth checking out.

“What the fuck is that?” “I think its the end of our film careers.”  “Aigggghhhhhh!”

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