Thing That Should Not Be: Bikini Girls On Ice (2009)

Enjoy the cover because this is as good as it gets.

Wow.  This one is going to be rough.  This is a Canadian horror movie.  Hmmm…I guess this is like if Wisconsin or Minnesota had a thriving film industry.  Well it delivers bikini girls.  By the bus load actually.  Too call it disjointed would be an unkindness to disjointed movies.  It’s more like dismembered.  The kills are unimaginative and off camera.  Speaking of cameras the film goes from standard shots to shaky hand held shots that look like they should be found footage.  

A college soccer team is going to host a bikini carwash fundraiser.  It’s school bus breaks down at…yep you guessed it the worst fucking filling station in the world. After an introductory kill featuring the bikini girl most heavily loaded with goods in the whole picture we find out the filling station has been abandoned for a long time.  A couple of French tourists come walking down the busiest abandoned fucking road in all of Quebec and guess what.  The fucking pumps have gas.  I would fill my shit up twice a day at that fucking place.  Well the Frenchies are killed while it is still daylight out and so are several of the girls.  Did I mention all of the gore is off screen blood splashes the camera lens or a wall here or there but that’s it.  You don’t get much for $200k in Canadian dollars do ya.  Well all of this happens during the busiest carwash on the most used unused highway at the bustling abandoned fucking gas station that till has gas and ice and nothing else except Moe.  At least his coveralls say Moe.  Good to see they at least have official serial killer uniform covered.

 Carwash at the abandoned gas station on the unused highway…wait, what?

While the big event is in full swing a local, Hank, who looks like Santa warns them that bad things happen at the gas station at night…what the fuck ever at this point.  For some reason, I know the title says “on ice” but there are piles of ice found every fucking where.  Well anyway while the car wash is in full swing one bikini clad chicklet informs a patron that she offers the deluxe service which includes cleaning inside and out.  They drive around back and she fucks him for the price of a carwash.  Oh and thats the all you get of the tits in this flick too.

Don’t blink, its all you get.

When the carwash is over more than half of the girls decide to leave reasoning that it would be easy to catch a ride the way they are dressed.  Well night finally fucking falls in this slow assed bore and it leaves three girls and two guys with guess what?  A fucking running bus.  For some fucking reason one of the dudes decides that his babe wants to fuck him and the way to do that is to drive the bus around back instead of leave.  The girls find the bus and there is a dead dog in the back and they instantly blame the missing dude.

More people die and final two girls are left.  The killer is in the gas station while the girls run to the Frenchies’ abandoned car.  They’ve brought along some gas because they knew it was empty and as they are making their getaway there is an ominous knocking from the trunk.  You guessed right–in a move of sheer fucking brilliance the killer has concealed himself in the trunk of the car the girls had to run to while he was still in the fucking gas station.  Good buy girl number two.  Whack down goes final girl who wakes up in a tub of ice.  She hides and final girl’s boyfriend is still kicking but Moe drags his ass out of the water to off him.  Whatever her name is grabs a knife, grows a spine, and runs out just before Moe brings the 12lb sledge down on her man.  “No! Stop doing this.” Moe looks at her.  Thwack, thwack, thwack she fucks up and her dude gets cacked off.

I am certain the above does not make sense to you because you, dear viewers, haven’t watched the flick (I hope), but worry not.  It does not make sense to me either and I sat on the couch watching this mother fucker.  Don’t waste your time.  Allow my pain to be sufficient or as some like to say.  I watched it so you don’t have to.

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One thought on “Thing That Should Not Be: Bikini Girls On Ice (2009)

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