A little known fact concerning American fairy tales: Northern fairy tale begins with “Once upon a time” and a Southern fairy tale begins with “Ya’ll ain’t gonna believe this shit!” Guess which one this is? I fucking love the Hatchet franchise. Some hate it like my best friend and my wife. I just don’t understand philistines. However, I can’t wait for Hatchet III and I hope they make a shit ton more of them. It’s campy, it’s gory, it’s moody and atmospheric, it pushes the envelope of good (or bad) taste and it’s just plain sociopathic fun. It has Tony Todd, it has R.A. Milhailoff, it has Kane Hodder, it has AJ Bowen, and it has Danielle Harris! Mmmmm, Danielle Harris. Soooo in case you couldn’t tell I am an unabashed fanboy of the series. Many folks get downright pissy about the “Old School American Horror” tagline of the first film and the way the filmmakers behave in the featurettes. Honestly if I was making a movie, not only a movie but pretty much the movie I wanted to make with a free hand I would geek out and fucking throw up on myself too. I wouldn’t proclaim myself the “next” horror director or anything but if anyone wanted to wax my car for me I’d sure as shit let them. Moving right along…
The movie picks up right where the first HATCHET left off. With the substitution and IMO improvement of Danielle Harris for Tamara Feldman in the role of Marybeth. Our intrepid heroine is found by swamp rat Jack Cracker (played by special effects guru John Carl Buechler). He sulks through Honey Island Swamp and collects loot that unfortunate trespassers drop when they run into Mr. Crowley. Today’s fun fact: Honey Island Swamp is purportedly home to a Bigfoot like humanoid cryptid, not to be confused with Victor Crowley.
Ol’ Jack Cracker tries to help Marybeth and takes her in and acts a bit fatherly while doling out advice and water (I think) in a portable hospital urinal. Well, once he finds out who she is its get the hell out and don’t ever darken the doorway again. This sends Marybeth running back to the puke filled streets of Mardis Gras NOLA in search of help to bring back the remains of her father and brother. Of course she goes to Reverend Zombie’s House of Voodoo because the good Rev seems to know what’s going on.
|I wouldn’t buy a used car from this guy.
I know I wouldn’t trust this mother fucker as far as I could throw him but I don’t know that I wouldn’t frequent an establishment called Reverend Zombie’s House of Voodoo. If you’re curious you can see what others are saying here. Anyway, our friend the Reverend agrees to help our heroine under the guise of recovering his boat and helping Marybeth find the dismembers of her family (hah! I kill me). His only catch is that he insists she bring her uncle along. Zombie has ulterior motives of course one of which involves proving Honey Island Swamp is safe to open up for tours again. Here I must confess a bit of ignorance. Isn’t NOLA surrounded by fucking swamps? Why the fuck is Honey Island Swamp so important, just conduct your tours elsewhere. But I suppose if he called it square with Victor and wrote off his boat that there would not be the badass piece of cinema trash called HATCHET II before us.
So Zombie calls for a meeting of hunters and various local badasses and whatnot and proposes going into the swamp in force. After the night is over, one of two things would have been achieved. The swamp would be proven safe or there would be enough firepower brought to bear on Victor. What Zombie doesn’t tell them is that he plans on at least two of their number becoming meat for Victor appeasing his spirit’s need for vengeance. Zombie’s pet theory is that Victor is a “repeater” or a ghost that comes back every night trapped until he gets revenge on those who killed him. Only thing is Victor was killed as a young gorkling and he is now a full grown gork. I’m not sure how that works but since the gift is great who cares about the wrapping paper. So a who’s who of modern horror show up and join Zombie in his quest. There is even a brief shout out for fans of BEHIND THE MASK: THE RISE OF LESLIE VERNON.
|Boobs! Guess what this is gonna lead to…|
|If you guessed this you are a winner! A sick, sick winner but winner nonetheless…
In the end Reverend Zombie’s plan is foiled by an unforeseen circumstance and finds himself throwing down with Victor face to face. It doesn’t go very well for him despite what appears to be a promising start and Marybeth has to deal with Victor herself. Lets just say we’ll have to watch HATCHET III and find out if Victor really is a “repeater.”
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