Thing That Should Not Be: Yellowbrickroad (2010)

Which way indeed? Not even the filmmakers had a fucking clue.

How can I relate what an utter waste of time this movie ended up being.  It will be difficult because at first I was onboard.  The premise is fairly awesome.  An entire town seems to decide its had enough on the eve of World War II and packs it in and go up a mountain trail never to be seen again.  Most of them are found later as corpses.  Some frozen to death and many slaughtered in spectacular manner.  It was so bad the FBI called in the Army to go up the road to find them.  The location of the trailhead was then classified for 68 years.  It lends itself to the “found footage” style of shooting but smartly avoids it.

The team is made up by a photographer, his wife the co-author, a psychologist, two cartographers, an intern and a forestry service ranger.  Now it may be pointed out that there is a psychologist accompanying them.  Why the fuck do you take a shrink on an adventure to catalog a newly declassified road.  No one knows thy the original townspeople ran off or what happened to them but “mass hallucination” is the paper thin reasoning for the inclusion of the shrink.

It starts off with a major glitch.  Those declassified coordinates? They are wrong.  They lead to the town’s cinema.  Luckily enough the photographer, Teddy,  decides to not give up and buys a ticket to go in the theatre.  He finds an employee, Liv, getting herself some popcorn and lounging around alone in a screening room watching a flick.  He talks to her and she finally lets him in she knows where the trailhead is located.  After all its where the local kids go to drink…really?  As Teddy attempts to talk her into showing the expedition where the trail his he plunders the projection room.  Obligatory WIZARD OF OZ reference coming up.  He finds an original celluloid reel of the WIZARD OF OZ and Liv quips that the townspeople would watch it all the time before they walked off.  Apparently it fit on one reel…

Well the group goes to the trailhead with Liv in tow and the shrink begins asking the members various gobbleldy gook as they begin their trek.  To spare you the details the group is besieged by loud assed fucking music from the 1930’s.  Some of them flip out someone gets killed yadda fucking yadda.  The highlight includes Teddy, who ran off from the group previously, telling his wife how much he loves her over the walkie talkie from miles away while she is getting her throat sawed with a machete by one of the numbskull fucking adventurers.

Oh, the big payoff that has me so righteously pissed off? I would say SPOILER ALERT! but none of you dear readers would be enough of a slack jawed fucktard to watch this steaming pile of shit.  Teddy is all that is left.  Everyone else is already dead and he is crawling.  He must get to the end of this fucking trail that plays standards from the 30’s and gives no fucking answers.  He is so determined he is crawling.  After he crawls into the frame and across the frame and out of the mother fucking frame–it takes for fucking ever it seems but then again so did this piece of dog shit movie– he crawls into the side of the son of a bitching movie theatre from town.  Fuck you you cocksucking piece of shit film.  If you didn’t pull this bullshit or answered some of the fucking questions you raised you would have been an alright flick but you didn’t so fuck off.  Teddy then gimps his broken ass into the theatre where random fucking usher out of nowhere screams at him to sit down.  When he does fucking ghosts flash into and back out of existence sitting around him and the end.

It could have been a decent slow burn horror flick but it blows it by holding your interest and then fucking you dear viewer.  It fucks you right up the ass after 85 minutes of decent foreplay.   My gripe is that we didn’t agree to anal so the filmmakers can fuck off if they expect a second date. You are not Stanley Fucking Kubrick you are some fucking no name jerk weed who has a digital fucking camera.  I wish the RED motion picture cameras were not so fucking cheap so that ass goblins like this would have to find financing for a film and there would be myriads of people who wouldn’t bankroll it and tell them that their idea is a fucking piece of shit.

This movie sucks harder than anything I have seen in a long ass time and I love shitty movies.  This one has to be the fucking holy grail bottom feeder of 2010 I do not see how any movie could do this.  Once again it is shittier than an outright shitty movie because it holds promise and maintains it a great long while then it shits its fucking pants and throws up all over itself.  Avoid it like a Tijuana whore with oozing sores.

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