Franchise Fuckery: Freddy Vs. Jason (2003)

Like a bat out of development hell FREDDY VS. JASON screams from the screen and gives fans what they want to see. There are nubile buxom babes, nudity for the sake of boobs, attempted rape of a passed out drunk and incestual tonsil hockey. Following Freddy’s opening screed and montage–which looks way too slick and clean in this film; we get to enjoy watching Heather make the last of-presumably- a long list of bad choices.  She goes skinny dipping in Crystal Lake.

BOOBS! The official Red Shirt of the Friday the 13th franchise.

It is revealed that Springwood has a master plan to make all of the children to forget that Freddy even existed.  Part of this involves keeping those who previously encountered him locked up in Westin Hills Asylum and drugged up on an experimental dream suppressant. Two of the patients escape and in an unneeded and boring bit of exposition one of the patients figures out the town’s plan and realizes they’ve screwed it up.

Cut to a midwest cornfield and prepare to be pulled into a rave the likes of which you hadn’t seen for three months, ever since MATRIX RELOADED.  At the most boring rave ever our intrepid heroes are drinking away the fear and depression of bearing witness to a grisly murder and the possibility that there may be one or even two maniacal serial killers on the loose.

Most boring rave ever.

The dead guy’s girlfriend, Gibb gets shit-faced drunk and wanders into the cornfield where she passes out and tries to survive an assault by Freddy.  While she is passed out a raver sees his opportunity to score some wasted and psychologically scared tail.  While Freddy assaults her mind a rave tripper assaults her body.  Luckily enough she is saved from Freddy and from being impaled on the raver’s meat harpoon–her virtue if not her body remains intact–because she and her would-be rapist are impaled by Jason.  Who would’ve expected chivalry from a gork? 

After a few filler kills the party really gets started when a flaming Jesse…I mean Jason…shows up swinging his machete and taking out ravers faster than a batch of bad X.

Lori, Will, Beyonce and a couple others survive and pile into the date rape mobile. One of the others–I’ll just call him Jay–delivers the best one liner of the film, “Dude, that goalie was pissed about something, man.” The remainder of the second act is surprisingly slow with only a couple of highlights. Lochlyn Munro who seems to have been pegged as the outsider turned hero is killed off in spectacular fashion. It was a fairly refreshing touch.  

The other highlight is we find out that Freddy may in fact be fucking Lord Voldemort. As podunk Springwood Sheriff Buford says, “We don’t say his name out loud.” Oh and don’t forget the shitty Freddy died by fire and Jason by water how can we use that? Fuck you Damian Shannon and fuck you Mark Swift.  You’re not clever you are assholes.

I do not have a middle finger big enough but he does.

The final act absolutely rocks my balls off. It’s the horror equivalent of the Thrilla in Manilla. Our heroine Lori, portrayed by Monica Keena–I may have forgotten to mention this earlier so mmmmm Monica Keena–is asleep and hunting for our favorite dream stalker. Turns out she can grab shit in her dreams and bring it out into the real world. A power that I would give my left nut and maybe half of my right one to have. Well, anyhow, Lori–mmmm Monica Keena–is felt up by Freddy and eventually drags him into the real world and he shits his pants when he realizes Jason is there too.

The rest of the folks are dispatched in the resulting chaos leaving Lori and Will. Freddy however, not known for being politically correct attacks Beyonce’s dignity as a human being before Jason kills her ass. Who wins the final showdown, in the end we do. They beat the shit out of each other and Lori–mmmm Monica Keena–whacks Freddy’s head off with Jason’s machete. The final image though promises more–still waiting–with Jason rising from Crystal Lake and carrying Freddy’s severed head. Freddy’s head smiles and winks at the camera and finis.  

All and all this is the good shit. Check it out.

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